World of Randoms

Chapter 20 – Depression or Decision

Motivation lacking, she yells for me to rise up…

I just glaze my eyes up to hers, and ask what’s up? 

“Get up! Get out of bed!”

“Why, what’s the point?” the lazy and depression laden voice responds. Hollowed out inside. Gutted from the thoughts…or lack thereof. The lack of motivation is deeply laced with the grips of a demon named depression, rooted deep on the inside.

Maybe there’s a reason why you don’t want to get up today. Or any other day for that matter. Maybe you don’t know the reason? And even if you did, what could you do differently? What the world difference does it make? And if you do stir, all you do is somehow find that escape again. That outlet of disappearing on the inside, sidestepping the feelings of handling that boulder up off your shoulders. 

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World of Randoms

Chapter 19 – Who is She?

To strike that note, make that sound. Who would know how well they would flow? 

And As she stood up, I sat down and started to write. 

“Oh what a sight, she’s taking flight!” 

Oh what a scene to see, a girl just figured out how to handle her world! 

Nothing is handed to us when we’re born, not even our parents or gender, nor our skin color, location, family generation, none of it. We haven’t a choice in the world on the day we’re born, or so we think or are led to believe. What if there is so much more we have yet to understand, to yet conceive? What if there’s that missing piece in the beginning to our understanding. Well, it is, to say the least, no one is handed a handbook on how to live their specific life or raise that specific child. 

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World of Randoms

Chapter 18 – Welcome: The Neverending Sections

Each chapter released from this point, if you have noticed since we figured out we were trapped in a section, is Randomly spoken. There is no storyline here. We have no storyline in this place. You have to understand something, the artist putting these chapters together isn’t really focused on any one thing. Can you tell? If not, then that’s fine. We’re here now, you, me, myself and I. This book wasn’t written to make sense, the end of the book was written in Chapter 5…Remember me? Just a character in an everlasting shared dream who disappeared. This is our lives here, we’re all interconnected. This is a bit of history on these pages too. Not mine, but you know, someones, somewhere, somehow, it was a reality out there in this big cruel world. At some point. In someone’s life, maybe not ours. 

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World of Randoms

Chapter 17 – A Teens Note of Revelation

Reading…

‘I’m stuck in this space, it’s my space and mine alone. It’s the only place I can be alone without feeling like I’m all alone. 

I don’t want out of this place either, it’s peaceful here. No drama. Nothing to create any new trauma. 

And this is all because I’m still working through the previous traumas. I’m simply not accepting anything new that could misconstrue what I’ve been through. Nobody but me knows what I’ve been through, and only I can know what was true. 

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World of Randoms

Chapter 16 – Wanting Out

It trips me out every time. Sitting on a beach, it’s supposed to be relaxing, but it’s just full of all these grains of sand…shells…it’s windy. Wet…messy and not to mention you can’t hear a thing past the ocean crashing in with the winds. I’m sitting in front of the great birthing pool of everything larger than all our individual lives combined. Things exist in those waters that could swallow you and me whole in one gulp. Things exist in those waters that have stung me…damn jellies. So illusively beautiful, yet some are so very deadly. Of all the things we could die from, you could die from a floating blob of gelatinous venom. Or something with 8 arms of nothing but pure masculine muscle, with a grasp that can rip your limbs off. Beaks so powerful…it’s painful to reflect on some of the images I’ve picked up in these shore sands. 

I met that one girl on the beach eons ago. She wasn’t here, but her voice, I could hear. Talk about the oddities in life. Looking back, we could say children are supernaturally sensitive. When you listen to ghost stories, you think you’re crazy. Maybe you are? Sure did give a different insight into life. All the different ways you can live it. Maybe a lot of different ways to end it too. 

If I could go back, a generation…and give my mother some advice when she was pregnant with me…what would I advise? If I had to answer, I’d tell her to not change a god damn thing. Live it as you lived it. I wouldn’t change a damn thing in my life. My angels, my demons, my lessons, my heathens, my lovers, my mother. I wouldn’t change a damn thing. I wouldn’t tell her a damn thing, it’d affect my life too much. Call me selfish…but I wish her well, I wish her nothing but pure happiness. 

A memory flashes through, a mother and daughter sharing an abnormal moment in a small bathroom, located in a small house in a small town in a small place in a small window of time. Oh under this limelight we can see into their hearts, both in great strife and pain. One angry and confused, the other lost and deeply troubled… The mother laying in a tub of water, tears in her eyes. In this small house, they only have one bathroom to share. The daughter has to pee so she’s in there just to do that. Her mother with her head almost submerged emerges enough to tremble some words, she’s crying…

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World of Randoms

Chapter 15 – Trapped Inside

Looking back at the memories of looking inside those somber eyes, the pain flickers a flame. We can’t help it, we just don’t feel the same. You can bury it, or you can hide it, but underneath it all, it has made its impact. We’re standing here in the same section, with the same girl. Turn around to meet her gaze, and back into that rabbit hole we climb. You have to face this painting in order to move to another section. This is, after all, a reflection of life’s reality. You can’t move forward unless you can let go of where you’ve been. Understand it enough to let it go that is… We’ve all felt alone, she’s clearly thought she felt more alone than the rest of us could imagine. Whether that’s true or not, is really irrelevant. 

Let’s take a deep breath now. Open your eyes to this place, take in a scene. We’re under a mimosa tree, sitting here looking up through the trees at the light of the sunshine flickering we can see the movement of the winds through the branches. ‘A moment of relaxation?’ the thought of a young woman speaks out to our reality. It’s a dominant woman’s voice. She has told orders in her lifetime. 

 Let’s back out and watch from the outside, shall we?

A girl about her mid 20’s we could guess, sitting under the mimosa tree, ever so beautifully sitting upon a hill overlooking a vast valley of villages, trees, hills, meadows, plantations… Her hair is the color of the ocean, it’s blue. It’s beautiful, it’s a darker reflection of the skies above us. Her eyes are open and gazing up through the branches, we can make out scars across her beautiful face, one eye is without life…you can see that she is blind in that eye, it’s her right eye. The scar on her face, we can only imagine came from a blade. Starting at the top of her right eyebrow, across her nose and onto her left cheek it stops. Upon the same eye, a straight down scar from the same spot on her eyebrow, right down her cheek. 

You can’t help but wonder how her eye is even still there? Such a nasty scar. Her throat appears to have been strangled by barbwire at some point… as our assessment goes down her body, you realize she’s wearing boxing bandages as a shirt. Tightly wrapped, as a warrior might be. It stops above her belly button and she is wearing red pants. This is where we notice the anomaly against our reality. Her feet…they’re not human. They’re that of a fox. 

Suddenly her gaze snaps over into our direction, and she addresses us directly. 

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World of Randoms

Chapter 14 – Those Somber Eyes

Diving into those somber eyes without any permission to the viewer, here we go…an unexpected rabbit hole adventure. There might be a storyline hidden here after all, but we’ll find out as we journey further. Doesn’t life seem to have a trend to match a movie or a story? 

And here we go again…round and round…to the sound of her voice. Into a scene, that we haven’t even begun to see. 

“I wanted to make something beautiful,” She said, fiddling with her painting utensils. He had his camera in hand and was looking for this perfect opportunity to compliment her.

He looked at her with his camera in hand, pointed it at her, and said “Look at me and smile then!”

She smiled and tossed him the perfect glance for the snapshot captured. Such a lovely face, smile, soul…she lit a room up and didn’t realize it. So many would speak ill of her to her, but beautifully when she exited the room. Why is it such nature of man to pluck a flower so that it dies? Why not water it and seed more? 

Here in this moment, we flip to a different channel, she’s standing at a podium in an empty room.

A blank room. Could it be a hospital room? All the walls painted white and blank? A few clusters of round white tables, white chairs…all white. Her black hair against the background and her eyes, the loudest elements in the room because she herself is dressed in all white and blending…the podium even is white. 

“I want you all to experience this moment as the end of one long vivid dream, that you just woke from. I want you to accept that I was never actually here. I was simply a very loud and memorable character in one long interconnected and shared dream… I will visit you again.” then she broke out in laughter. It was almost cynical from an outer perspective…but imagine the inner narrative?  

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World of Randoms

Chapter 13 – Metaphorical Glory

To no delays…the other side has finally opened up…Let’s step out of this purgatory and right on into the storyline on the other side of this painting’s lines. 

“So what’s your story?” He asked her. He stared at her eyes, hoping she would return the stare. 

She smiled and directed her eyes away as she drifted into quick thoughts ‘oh would he really want to know? Is he just going to use it against her?’

“Pardon me…” she mumbled softly as she spun away in her little polka-dot dress and strutted away to the lady’s room. This is where she stumbles off in a silent frantic and lands her weight into her hands on the sink and locks eyes with herself in the mirror. 

In this reflection, we dive into a deeper complexion of her personal self conversations. 

She hasn’t the trust to elaborate on herself or her stories

All it is for her is an over-glorified sidestep from the obituaries 

Everyone always looks at her pretty smile and assumes it’s been all sunshine and roses.

If they knew the trenches of her enemies she’s had to trudge 

Let me step back, let her defense down so you can attack. 

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World of Randoms

The Interim in Her Precipice

There is a moment we have to spend here in this section, sitting and waiting for the other side to open up as history unfolds within our lives. Here we stand in the midst of a war…frozen in time. A moment to all our own individual designs. Let’s take a look around…let’s set the scene I mean. If we can…it’s rather large and obscene and I don’t think we can capture all the facts in a matter of one sitting…or any sitting length of time. 

Let me unfold…we now have everyone’s motives in question. Let the best out right here. We’re on the topic of a rainbow today, one side sitting in very dark and hateful waters and the other sitting on the spectrum end where none of the darkness has ever been seen or experienced. There are those who would march to eliminate the innocence throughout the entire world… For they believe that from innocence breeds the discrimination of assumptions and therefore hatred for the misunderstood. In their eyes, the elimination of innocence is the elimination of evil. 

This, of course, is a philosophical point. Inherently speaking on emotions picked up along the pathway of my life. Here I am sitting in this tunnel, kind of stuck. Just wondering what’s wavering in front of that light down in the distance. As you know, we have to complete a section to get anywhere else in this place. The other side of this section is locked down…and quite frankly looking like a Frankenstein beast. You…me…myself…and the I here in this situation are all the ones present for this transgression against the narrative of the open and free world as we know it…maybe it’s a matter of our universe… 

While everyone outside of this place is either hiding or going about their business or the others are out picketing and rioting…robbing…screaming…crying…there’s a lot of us sitting here in our four walls…our hearts swelled in pain…throats choked up with this same exact pain. Our voices muted by the disdain and knowing…the brainwashing goes deeper than we can fathom to understand or even begin to unravel and restitch to put together a picture some of the rest would understand. 

Nobody wants to start over it seems like. It’s the choice to continue the mistakes of the last generation apparently. It seems so obvious to us…these individuals sitting and hiding away from the violence in the public domain, rooted in the disdain and assertion that their roots are properly nourished and properly justified for their violence to flourish…because in their eyes this is the justice long overdue…a hell recreated just for you with the light skin…even though you haven’t a clue what sin you’re being crucified for…it was, after all, our founding father’s actions that got us here. 

Maybe it’s in our roots to not participate with the violence…that our voices are muted and trampled by the masses who so collectively scream for justice…but mute out the most just of voices. It’s the collective unity in choices that repeats the same pains, sits us back in the very same seats we were just chained to. Maybe we just understand that nothing we say will hideaway that deep-seated hate that has each generation stuck on repeat. 

We could ponder all day long…but let’s dive into this one plant here…she’s beautiful and tall…bright and vibrant at a glance…but the petals, if you look closely at the way they unfold…have a gloomy message to be read. It’s a message that I find words that are hard to be said. Where to start…when the seed sprouted into a plant? No…her growth was too painful to describe…

Let’s start with…a scene from our past…This might be rooted in reality…with a twist of human brutality…so brace yourself. You can always opt to leave too…

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World of Randoms

Chapter 11 -The Throwback From Now

The Writing on The Wall in this section of the tunnel…that’s what we enter now.

It’s all the garbage she’s sifted through…Overload..overload!!! We’re all on overload but we’re not unloading properly!

Didn’t we learn from the last pandemic?

Let’s take a step back and understand something: In times like this it’s critical we all keep calm and cool, collected heads. It’s easy to get angry when the world is in a state of Pandemonium. I’m more talking to myself here, as I’m a mix of everything. Setting fire to my insides for fun again. Hold on though, let me go out and explain something…let’s look and step back before we step into this painting, let’s understand that it was found here in our reality. I got approved for one of my biggest dream come trues and here we are…standing in front of this insanity and pandemic virus. How unfortunate and so many speculations, what if’s and uncertainties…sadly people still don’t want to accept that even when a massive amount of people die…the world and business must keep carrying on…We as a species will survive…just look at the shelves. Altruistic is not our nature. Survival of the fittest is. We keep passing the traits down too no matter how smart we think we get.

This painting is a collection of writings on the wall in a room that is today’s date posted and a mash up from notes in a box. From a real box actually…let me ‘splain here what this means, it’s all metaphors and a mix up from here with us now in 2020 and some crap in 2009/2010. Some a little raw and random. So take it all for food for thought and random rants and raves that I pluck out the loudest of the mental waves others are emitting in these times. It’s definitely inside this drawing. This tunnel section we all get to go through. Won’t this be interesting. I don’t think I survived this one either. Who knows…let us stop with the panic though. I’m enjoying the fact that I’m not so alone here.

In my box of memories. Not many keep their memories like I do. Some don’t come from the past either. They’re definitely not organized and for the most part, not commonly reachable as a whole. It’s like a mess and nothing makes sense where they’re located, not even for me most of the time. I’m the one picking them up too. 

It’s like when you’re walking down the Dog Food aisle and see someone left a pack of eggs and milk on the shelf. You might get angry and think “Well It’s a total waste now!”, but you don’t know if the person who set those there just ran out of the store in a panic to the hospital to see their dying sibling or mother, father, whoever. Some kind of frantic panic…maybe they remembered their kid in the back seat before it was too late but then decided to leave before someone said something? You just do not know.

We simply do not know what we do not know. If human compassion and altruism wrapped with honesty were a pandemic we’d be in a different place in the world and a virus wouldn’t be spreading so rampantly in places that are more than suited to deal with such things. Yet we have people literally clearing shelves out like you would have learned from some movie. So again, I’ll say to myself and you too who might read this: You do not know what you do not know. I have faith that people will start learning this…

So many…so many are dying every day from stupidity. From bad choices. From having fun. From something preventable. There are a plethora of pandemics of death by a lack of plethoras of common sense approaches. The world has yet to stop turning. Life will go on…

I am going to jump into this chapter now, we’re going to walk together…and since we’re restricted to numbers of 10 or fewer people, we should be in really good shape here in this painting. There’s just the Me, Myself and I here traveling in these paintings. It’s so long it’s intended to lose you. It won’t get the popular vote, that’s for sure.

We don’t always get along either. Sometimes we sound like some angry Italians, screaming at each other over something that others would really think was a psychotic way to handle a situation. Sometimes we sound like some really crazy chatter on a busy train station or airport. Other times, others don’t even realize we’re not one person in our entirety. Just part of the greater universe. There’s a vast Disparity in this description maybe.

Sometimes we scrap like gangs in the moonlight over something as stupid as the writing on the wall…but one of us actually always steps back and walks away. The ‘I’ in the trio of the ‘me, myself and I’ and it always points me and myself to that something greater. We were always attracted to the number 4 for some reason, ended up a 3 though somehow and that changed our destiny, and this is just an analogy so if you’re not following me here…that’s quite alright and quite expected. If you’re not following us here…then we’re doing our job to cause you to question and think. I hope to invoke some deeper thoughts as we go on this little mental adventure.
Maybe we’ll invite you to have some profound thoughts with some of the random shit we spew over a healthy cup of tea. It’s the World of Randoms here anyway. So if you don’t get it, you’re in the right place, one might say. 

Let me start with something from back before 2009, before adulting was a thing for this gal…

This painting is a wall of random writing, feel free to leave a note, maybe even take one! 

“Raise up child, rest not your head…

For these years are not over!

Cling not to your sisters, nor your brothers! 

Speak not in hate to your mother or father!

But open thine eyes and grasp!

Grasp the Concept of these people!

For in time you’ll wish all this back

Take a moment in God’s good grace

And slow down from that pace! 

Take a good look around, 

But do not cling on

Enjoy the sounds!

The conversations and be thankful!”

The moment of silence…she turns a page…remembering the chatter in the classroom…the flashes before the flashes were a thing. The here, the now, the then, the when…?

“Because tomorrow isn’t promised, 

So love them and release with your hands! 

And hold into your heart

The beautiful blessing

Of Being with your family…”

Such an appropriate finding in a time like this. If we were to look at this painting of the state of the world today…The state of her life today. So beautiful, so quiet, so peaceful…so peacefully hers. She doesn’t fear to die, she just doesn’t want to be uncomfortable. And if she had to look at the grand scope of things…She really doesn’t have anything to complain about. She has her plot, her plan. It’s there. Really her choice, so she’s not going to fret and stare. How can she help instead? It’s inevitable either way…

SO, So, So very many are with their families and HATING it, stressing it. I scream at them in the back of my mind “FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS PEOPLE” You who are all on social media. Who are all fortunate to have internet. Fortunate to have children, running water, pets, a roof, warmth, air conditioning, let us not forget where our society came from. And ever so carelessly laying our elders to the waste side without concern, even if they are sick. 

Yet the idea of your own mortality is mind-blowing for some and the idea that our entire species could be at stake is also just as mindblowing as we’re no different than this virus is to us as we are to our own planet as our planet is to our universe and as our universe is to our galaxies or however the appropriate way to word that is…either way, watch as mother nature slows and trims down our carbon footprints down so she can get a breath.  I fret how deep she can even breathe with how many trees we’ve destroyed collectively and oceans destroyed as well…

Viruses and bacteria have been around long before our evolution came in. Maybe this is the cycle of life, reminding the people of the world when we’re in this state of opportunity to really learn and open our minds. Maybe even our hearts. 

Yet here is another one: Today I lost another fight on the inside and again I’m stumbling around lost and confused. Dazed by my hazy future. Here I go again…on another pointless round that has no time limit again…I cry out to these demons, torture me not, if you must just cut out my heart and please leave me to rot in peace! I’ve lost so much including my control and I ask who holds the strings to this puppet I’ve become?

“Where is your self respect?” He asked and I had no answer.

I know we can’t work like this…how will we make it? How can I change me if I don’t know who the hell I am?”

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